The absence of logic and the presence of pain: I held on so long I didn’t realize how numb my hands had become.
Lately I’ve had a lot of thoughts around loss, death and just letting go. I have a problem with letting go. It’s time I admit it to myself. I always manage to delude myself into thinking that nothing has changed and that nothing and nobody has to move on. So when the harshness of reality hits me I’m always left in this raw state of shock and panic. I’ve never been one to hold onto material things like clothes or items but emotionally hoarding is my area of expertise. Holding grudges, holding onto anger, holding onto memories, moments and things that simply do not belong to me.
So this is a blog post for me really. I need to let people go and I need to let those memories go along with them. I can no longer hold onto things that aren’t made for me. It makes me so tired, the kind of tired you feel in your bones. The type of tiredness that has nothing to do with your sleeping patterns but rather caused by the company you keep. I’m also done being angry about the way people turn out. It was my fault actually for wanting to hold on to non-existent relationships that I was completely blind that I was chasing ghosts basically people who were long gone. I mean I still think about the people who disappointed me five years ago. I need to learn how to miss something and not want it back. The art of moving along.
Pettiness is funny until you start to internalize it. Then it eats away at your joy leaving you hollow. There used to be this beautiful garden my friend and I spent our afternoons playing in. I recently went back to see what had become of the garden I was horrified that everything that was once lush and green full of life and growth had become dry and brown. Everything had died. This is what I imagine is happening to me as I constantly am constantly making books about people who can’t even fit me into a chapter in their own book.
I was too busy admiring the petals that I forgot about the thorns – Orion Carlato